After packing the cast off to a variety of British countryside resorts during lockdowns 1-3, Made In Chelsea has finally returned to… well, Chelsea.
Miles and Julius are still being creepily competitive with one another about their respective athleticism. They’re in a park, and Miles is screaming at Julius for being slower at running than him.
The good news is, the ‘Tricep Trio’ is only mentioned once this episode, which suggests that the moniker is slowly dying out, much like the black-footed ferrets of central North America.
‘If you want a perfect relationship, go to Disneyland!’ Maeva tells James she ‘can’t stand his presence’ as the couple’s romance hangs by a thread in new Made In Chelsea
Paris is still kicking around, as is that blonde girl that Miles had sex with to meditative music last series; and things have changed for the various couplings on the show since they were released back into the wild.
Maeva cannot stick James at the moment, although it’s not entirely clear why this is.
She does reveal, however, that she took all her clothes off while he was watching football and he barely batted an eyelid, so the issue appears to be one of sexual impediment.
Tristan and Liv are over. We all saw this one coming given their total disdain for one another and the fact that watching them in a scene together was as enlightening as watching Hitler do the fandango with Eva Braun.
Rocky road: Maeva cannot stick James at the moment, although it’s not entirely clear why this is
Hot and bothered: Miles and Julius are still being creepily competitive with one another about their respective athleticism
Despite poisoning her mind and ruining her and Reza’s decade-long romance, Miles has barely spoken to Ruby all summer. Reza is still seething about Miles, yet has allowed Ruby to stay in his life, even though Ruby would definitely throw herself at Miles faster than Insulate Britain would throw themselves onto the M25.
Miles can’t be totally blamed though. He tells slow-running Julius that he took her to a film premiere a couple of months back and Ruby’s mother came outside and took pictures of them in front of the house, much like a parent would do before their daughter’s Upper Sixth formal.
Sophie’s sister is getting married and she’s plotting how best to steal the limelight.
Sisterly love: Sophie’s sister is getting married and she’s plotting how best to steal the limelight
‘I do!’ ‘I still need to be the star of the show and make sure no-one looks at me like I’m the older spinster sister,’ she tells Fred
‘I still need to be the star of the show and make sure no-one looks at me like I’m the older spinster sister,’ she tells Fred.
To avoid this, she invites him as her plus one, which he accepts with a gushing ‘I do’, presumably planning on having them lowered from the church rafters together just as the sister and her fiancé are reciting their vows.
Ollie – who always couldn’t stand Tristan – tells Liv to get over it and move on. ‘You tried 70,000 times, we don’t need it to be 70,001!’ he tells her. ‘It’s over! Sew your wild oats! We’ll take you to the waxers!’
At The Goat, Ruby turns up to meet Miles dressed as a zebra.
Animal instinct: At The Goat, Ruby turns up to meet Miles dressed as a zebra
Elsewhere: A girl from Toronto has been choppered in to be Tristan’s new love potential
She accuses him of being ‘flirty and then nothing’ and he spews some rubbish about ‘letting the pressure of what other people think get in the way’. He then asks her out on a proper date and she pretends that she’s going to go away and think about it, with faux-modesty.
Maeva and James set Paris up with former cast member Angus who arrives to have drinks with them but stands about six feet back from the table. Social distancing isn’t compulsory anymore, hun.
Angus has a new earring, but before anyone can even point this out, Maeva starts screaming at James about their problems. Apparently, they’re meant to be going to Cornwall the next day and she can’t think of anything she’d hate more.
‘What can I make you do to make you understand that I am not okay?’ Maeva screeches, with all the demureness of Jesy Nelson’s solo career launch.
Socially distant: Maeva and James set Paris up with former cast member Angus who arrives to have drinks with them but stands about six feet back from the table
Trouble au paradis! The next day, Maeva sits at her dining room table staring at a bunch of hydrangeas with sadness in her eyes and kale in her teeth
Elsewhere, a girl from Toronto has been choppered in to be Tristan’s new love potential. She claims that approaching him to chat him up is ‘very Canadian’ of her, when in fact she’s been told to by the series producer.
The next day, Maeva sits at her dining room table staring at a bunch of hydrangeas with sadness in her eyes and kale in her teeth.
She’s not going on the trip to Cornwall, and asserts that she and James have a problem, insisting that she ‘can’t stand his presence’, which is always nice to hear from someone you live and share a dog with.
‘If you want a perfect relationship go to Disneyland or some crap!’ James bites back, before flouncing off.
Confrontation: Reza decides to air out his beef with Miles on the boat
Rant! This could potentially be the poshest row to take place on the show, with Reza throwing words like ‘uncouth’ and ‘trembling’ around
He’s clearly never been on Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin when it breaks down!
The big finale of tonight’s instalment has everyone at a boat party, with Paris in ostrich and Maeva looking like Madonna circa 1999.
Reza decides this is the time and the place to air out his beef with Miles. This could potentially be the poshest row to take place on the show, with Reza throwing words like ‘uncouth’ and ‘trembling’ around.
And after 261 episodes, that’s quite a feat.
Made In Chelsea continues next Monday at 9PM on E4.
To be continued: Made In Chelsea returns next Monday at 9PM on E4
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