The new season kicks off with a nice little montage to establish that everyone’s back from Croatia, in case you thought there were red telephone boxes and boxwood hedge gardens surrounded by wrought-iron railings in Hvar.
Once that’s out of the way, we are transported to Henley, where Liv has been staying at her mum’s, sitting in her childhood bedroom rocking back and forth for the past past few weeks, wearing jodhpurs and chewing on a riding crop.
Liv has a sister called Athena. She is allowed to says four words. She’s
Getting over it: Liv has been staying at her mum’s and she hires out a basement to get Ollie to take photos of her – naked
Sam is stealing broccoli from Louise’s fridge. She keeps it to hand in case she fancies an impromptu midnight Nutribullet binge. She’s in America with Ryan (who is simultaneously proposing by the way) and she messages him to check he’s been watering the strawberries and tending to her garden. Actually, he’s been tending to someone else’s garden and it ain’t Habbs’.
Sophie scolds him because he kissed two girls in one night. ‘Aren’t you a bit old for that?’ she asks, tritely. ‘I was doing that when I was 14.’ Think Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair having that picnic in Cruel Intentions.
Emily Blackwell is back – she’s banning people left, right and centre from coming into her, Miles and Habbs’ new flat.
Wow: Instead, she’s doing what any self-respecting woman would do on her return to the city after avoiding her ex and hired out the basement of a pub and asked her gay friend to take photos of her looking furious on a velvet sofa, naked
At the top of the list is Harry The Dark Wrongun. And Melissa for that matter, with her ‘lack of chat’ and her penchant for creeping on Emily’s Insta-stories.
Talking of Insta-stories, Digby’s been going overboard with his – videoing himself doing shots and being all ‘lads, lads, lads’. Liv’s not having to see this as she’s blocked him on social media. Instead, she’s doing what any self-respecting woman would do on her return to the city after avoiding her ex and hired out the basement of a pub and asked her gay friend to take photos of her looking furious on a velvet sofa, naked.
Once that’s out the way, they talk about Ollie’s boyfriend Gareth who, between shooting this scene and now, has in fact asked Ollie to marry him. So in a blind panic the producers have gotten Liv to dub the sentence ‘I can’t believe you’re engaged’ into the scene, which is then followed by ‘that’s so nice’. Nice? It’s marriage! It’s not just nice. Ollie may as well have just told her that he and Gareth spent the weekend punting in Cambridge.
Home: Athena, Liv, Ollie and Mytton sit as a foursome around the garden table at Liv’s mum’s house
Gossip: They talk about Ollie’s boyfriend Gareth who, between shooting this scene and now, has in fact asked Ollie to marry him.
In comes Gareth who helps Ollie persuade Liv that the best way to introduce herself back into society is to rent out the garden of a mansion, blow up the naked pictures she just took, display them on easels and call it ‘A Me Party’.
Sam – who, by this point, has been told by Habbs where to stick it – receives a delivery of a bonsai tree. The card reads: ‘With love from Spain, Habbs. If you can look after this, you can look after a puppy.’
We’re all highly confused by this, because two minutes ago Habbs was corner-sofa shopping with Emily and Miles, in a shop that has the letters ‘UK’ after it. So she’s not in Spain.
Social binge: Digby’s been going overboard with his – videoing himself doing shots and being all ‘lads, lads, lads
Supportive: Gareth helps Ollie persuade Liv that the best way to introduce herself back into society is to rent out the garden of a mansion, blow up the naked pictures she just took
Turns out the tree was a gift ordered a while ago and was heavily delayed in arriving. This makes sense, really, given that postcards always take months to get delivered, so a bonsai would be especially risky as it’s got to get through customs.
Digby is on Night 57 of his post-break-up bender. He’s Snap-chatting and Insta-story-ing away while Liv watches from Habbs’ phone. The next day she is strolling along with her mother and they spot him, hungover, wandering the streets.
Liv dashes into the doorway of an unsuspecting Chelsea resident to avoid him, and her mum calls after her, referring to her as ‘Falullah’. This is left unexplained but its something we just accept.
Shock: Digby arrives and tuts in disgust at Liv’s naked billboard-esque exhibition. ‘This is nice, isn’t it, walking in and seeing recent pics of your ex naked?
Katie the mum then chats to Digby, leaving him with no other choice but to go off and cry in the arms of Miles, the most energetic boy on Earth. Next time, perhaps go and find ‘No Chat Melissa’, Digby.
Another of Miles’ traits is that he has an alright package, as Habbs and Emily are discussing. Talking of alright packages, in walks new boy Tom who says he’s a virgin and asks Habbs if she’ll accompany him to Liv’s nude party.
At the aforementioned nude party, Digby arrives and tuts in disgust at Liv’s naked billboard-esque exhibition. ‘This is nice, isn’t it, walking in and seeing recent pics of your ex naked?’ he complains to Miles and Habbs. ‘It shows a lack of respect,’ he adds. Digby – you weren’t invited! That’s like Samantha Markle going to Meghan and Harry’s wedding and then bitching about the fact that Doria Ragland got to sit at the front.
Liv spots Digby and begins to convulse. Sophie acts fast: ‘Shall we get him out?’ she says, with eyes of steel, like the German assassin that she truly is. But instead, Liv decides to talk to him while he’s skimming a stone across a placid pond. This ends in her becoming breathless and crying, which was not the point of the Me Party, so well done Digby.
Melissa asks Emily – who is wearing a plunging sundress so as to make a statement – why she is banned from her new flat. Emily tells her it’s because she feels sorry for her. Surely that would be a reason to welcome her warmly. But no; she is barred like a homeless man from Whole Foods.
Tom and Habbs are knocking balls around on the very dry grass, in need of a good watering, clearly still suffering from the heat wave they all missed while they were in Croatia. Sam is fuming and so goes and asks if they are on a date. Tom tries to earn his badge for his first public MIC confrontation and tells Sam to back off, in an act of foolish chivalry.
Turns out Tom once kissed Sam’s ex. Could that be Tiff? Is she about to appear from amongst the hydrangeas?
No such luck!