But the 967th episode raised some interesting questions (no really), including:
· Who is the stupidest person on Made In Chelsea?
· Who is the most under-dressed/flauntiest female on Made In Chelsea?
· Who is the biggest ‘pardy’ animal on Made In Chelsea?
And so it begins! Made In Chelsea was back for Series Sixteen. An incredible number – because it really feels like more (at least a hundred and sixteen)
Amazingly the season debut answered them too, namely (SPOILER ALERT): a) Jamie Laing b) Habbs c) Digby ‘Diggers’ Digbertson.
We will come back to the first two later – because the decisions have been contested (by Sophie, Olivia, and Emily – on both issues).
The heated debate about whether Digby is an actual real person or a comic character (created by someone like Simon Brodkin or Sacha Baron Cohen in the same vein as Lee Nelson or Borat etc) parodying posh rugger buggers in West London remains.
Personally, it’s hard to dispel the view Harry Enfield has revived his Nice-But-Dim persona, although ‘Diggers’ doesn’t actually seem such a ‘bloody nice bloke.’ More like a ‘passive-aggressive misogynist control freak.’
Heartbroken: When we first encountered Digby tonight he was sitting in a pub on the King’s Road, wearing shades, drinking a Bloody Mary, and with THREE buttons of his neatly ironed denim shirt undone, like a posh version of Pete Doherty or Johnny Depp
Long-term girlfriend Olivia dumped him a couple of months ago (during the summer spin-off series Made In Chelsea: Croatia, coincidentally) and since then Digby had ‘gone rogue’ as they call it on MiC.
In fact worse than that. He had ‘got off the boat’, to quote Martin Sheen’s captain in ‘Apocalypse Now’ about the wacko Colonel played by Marlon Brando who he was travelling upriver in Vietnam to retrieve.
(‘Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddam right. Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole f***ing programme.’)
Sadly Digby hadn’t split from this programme though.
When we first encountered him tonight he was sitting in a pub on the King’s Road, wearing shades, drinking a Bloody Mary, and with THREE buttons of his neatly ironed denim shirt undone, like a posh version of Pete Doherty or Johnny Depp. In his own mind at least…
Awkward: Then he droned on about Liv even when he happened to bump into her mother (Jennifer Saunders)
Digby had even started saying things like ‘hey man’ to people like Miles (who really does look like Johnny Depp).
‘I’ve been going out so much…’ he insisted.
‘So what is this? Night 57 in a row for you?’ sniggered Alex Mytton, knowing a lightweight when he saw one, especially when Diggers kept dropping the fact he’d been to Ibiza into the conversation.
Mostly though he just droned on about Liv and the ‘wound’ she had given him.
‘The emotional strain that girl has put me through is ridiculous. No bloke would take that. She’s shown her true colours. She blocked me on Instagram…’
‘The horror, the horror…’ as Kurtz would mumble.
He continued this way even when he happened to bump into Olivia’s mother (Jennifer Saunders).
Shots shots shots! Digby’s reaction was – obviously – to head for a bar, to start ostentatiously necking shots, and posting the clips on Facebook in the hope that someone would show Olivia (MiC’s producer probably)
‘You’ve been partying heartily !’ she chortled hoarsely, clearly thinking this proved her view of Digby as a complete chump.
‘You’ll always be such a special part of our lives,’ she cut in sharply as Digby bored on about his ‘feelings’ and how Liv had hurt them/him.
The old girl then sealed his fate by ‘reassuring’ him: ‘when the dust settles, you and Liv will both be able to be friends and be grateful for the time you’ve had together and move forward…’
Ouch! Cold! (The moral: Don’t mess with a posh girl’s posh mother. That’s how they roll.)
‘It’s a s***ty thing!’ she smiled, icily, moving hastily on her way.
Indeed it was.
Party: Digby was wearing a pink shirt, khaki slacks, and a blazer but maintained his rock ‘n’ roll credentials by sinking a Pimms as Olivia approached
Digby’s reaction was – obviously – to head for a bar, to start ostentatiously necking shots, and posting the clips on Facebook in the hope that someone would show Olivia (MiC’s producer probably).
‘I find it really hard looking at that,’ sighed Olivia (speaking for us all). ‘Seeing him in real life would be even harder…’ (Ditto.) ‘I just want to avoid him at all costs.’ (And again.)
She couldn’t though. (It was in her contract.) The showdown at her ‘Me Party’ was savage.
Digby was wearing a pink shirt, khaki slacks, and a blazer but maintained his rock ‘n’ roll credentials by sinking a Pimms as Olivia approached.
The show down: ‘Why are you here?’ she sneered, a question we’d been asking for three series
‘Why are you here?’ she sneered, a question we’d been asking for three series.
‘I don’t even know why you ended it!’ Digby whined. ‘I had no idea you felt unhappy!’
(Well she was going out with you, Digby, so she would be.)
Things degenerated when, like an Italian mobster or Millwall football hooligan, Digby started complaining he’d been ‘disrespected.’
‘I’ve been respectful of you!’ Olivia objected, despite the fact they were surrounded by a presentation of large photographs she’d posed for – naked. (A case of literally making an exhibition of herself.)
Over for good: She had always moaned about him not wanting to go out and get wasted all the time (like she did). The fact that Liv respected Digby even less now that he did/was seemed to confirm that, like Colonel Kurtz, there really was no way back
‘You don’t have respect for me!’ harrumphed Digby.
‘Well now I don’t obviously!’ Olivia snorted.
She had always moaned about him not wanting to go out and get wasted all the time (like she did).
The fact that Liv respected Digby even less now that he did/was seemed to confirm that, like Colonel Kurtz, there really was no way back.
15 questions that were answered on the return of Made In Chelsea
1.Habbs owns so few clothes she is going to catch her death without your donations
Habbs started the episode running in a figure-hugging outfit worthy of super hero and later met up with Sam wearing an off-the-shoulder number.
It was when she went shopping for a sofa semi-naked that it became clear she simply didn’t own anything bigger/big enough when she sat down and admitted: ‘I can’t even lean back in this skirt it’s so short!’
If you would like to help please donate on our Just Giving page: ‘Buy Habbs Some Jeans And A Jumper.’
2. Sophie, Emily, and Olivia will not take Habbs’ bid for the title of ‘Flauntiest Female On Made In Chelsea’ lying down (well Liv might)
Olivia has already posed naked for some photographs on the grounds that a) it ‘liberated’ her (after her split with Digby) and b) ‘Ollie persuaded me’ (as if she needed any persuasion).
On the other hand, she did point out she did cover up her ‘bits’ and they didn’t appear in the show. The photos that is not the, um, bits.
3. Habbs is still completely innocent – deep down
‘I can see you doing that!’ Tom suggested when they arrived at Olivia’s ‘exhibition.’
‘What, you can see me lying naked for a photo shoot?!’ gasped Habbs incredulously.
4. Habbs cannot be bought off (by flowers)
‘Sam bought me a sad-looking orchid!’ Habbs scoffed about Little Sammy T’s pathetic attempt to win her back into his bed after he had snogged two girls (one of them whilst standing next to Habbs).
‘Did you say: Sam, an orchid’s not going to cut it this time?!’ scoffed Olivia, appalled at the suggestion Habbs could be bought.
‘Yeah, a car at least!’ cried Habbs, possibly more open to the possibility.
5. £19,000 a term at Radley College Boarding School doesn’t buy you an education
‘I bought her an orchid!’ Sam admitted.
‘What’s an orchid?’ wondered Jamie, frowning as if Sam had been using the Latin name for it.
Stupid? ‘What’s an orchid?’ wondered Jamie, frowning as if Sam had been using the Latin name for it
6. Habbs feels the same way about the idea of Sam kissing someone as we do
‘I was right next to you and I’m not going to be able to get that image out of my head!’ she lambasted him (not in a good way). ‘It was so embarrassing. It was horrible!’ Now she knows how we’ve been feeling for years.
7. Melissa feels the same way about kissing Sam as we do
‘Are you feeling repulsed by him Habbs? That the thought of kissing him now would be like: ‘I want to be sick in my mouth?!’
Now she knows how we’ve been feeling for years.
8. Olivia feels the same way about Sam in general as we do
‘I love Sam and he is my best friend!’ tutted Liv when she heard about his conduct. ‘But he’s a f**king idiot!’
Now she knows how we’ve been feeling for years.
9. Sophie feels about Sam’s excuse (‘I wanted to make myself feel better, get a bit of validation’) the same way as we do
‘You kissed a couple of girls? Aren’t you too old for that? You do that when you’re 14. What is wrong with you?!!’
10. Melissa (Harry’s girlfriend) vs. Emily (Harry’s ex) could be the surprise feud of the series
Melissa: ‘Emily’s threatened by me.’
Emily: ‘Melissa doesn’t have any chat anyway. She’s boring!’
It’s always the quiet ones…
11. ‘Croashire’ is one of the Home Counties
The way Olivia Bentley, Digby, and the other pronounce it, ‘Croashire’ is clearly somewhere in between Berkshire and Wiltshire, but somewhere clearly not somewhere the likes of us will ever visit.
12. A ‘me party’ is a thing
‘It’s a Me Party – it’s a thing!’ announced Gareth. What do you mean: who’s Gareth?
13. A ‘me party’ is not a thing
‘A ‘me party’?! Is that a thing?! It’s definitely not a thing!’ declared Habbs coolly. But even using that phrase again on MiC probably made it a thing.
14. ‘Monologuing’ is a thing
‘Sam was just chewing my ear off! Monologuing at me!’ complained Habbs, christening a term you’ll be using before the week is out.
15. The ‘break-up revenge body’ is a thing
‘What is it – the break up revenge body?’ Melissa asked Olivia, referring to how good Liv looked when she came back to London to rub it in Digby’s face.